late saturday. bard and banker. magnum caesar.

is anyone else surprised that my first two reviews are for irish times and the bard and banker? personally, i would have expected to be reviewing really sleazy places like galaxy nightclub and the carlton club.  i guess i've classed my life up a bit since reading electric meters and trying to bring girls back to the floor of my friends place.  oh the memories.

ok, review time.  i'm at the bard and banker and the waitress places a full pint of caesar on the coaster in front of me.  my eyes widen...

...damn, to start this review without setting this stage would be a shame.  sorry to waste your time with a long story, but isn’t that what blogs are for? rewind 12 hours....

....i wake up and start arranging dinner plans with @mundizzo over the twitter.  we are both car-less bums and need to make it from victoria to a waterfront mansion on the malahat (at least we didn’t invite ourselves this time).  it was a painfully inefficient way to communicate, but eventually plans were made to scrap the hitchhiking idea and borrow @graemekid's car little burgundy instead.  some brutal honesty is needed to describe this car: she's an absolute beauty 1990's toyota - rusted - filled with tree planting gear – mouldy as fuck - and parked in an area of vic that forces you to jump over heroin needles to climb in.  we were stoked!

unfortunately, when we got to little berg she decided to slap us in the face and not start.  disappointed... yes.  craving a caesar... yes. willing to ditch on the trip... not a chance. 

thinking fast we booked the burgundy convertible smart car from my car coop and the adventure commenced. within half an hour the engine was running - the top was down - the windows were open - 94.5 was blasting, and @mundizzo and i are holding hands thelma and louise style flooring it out of the parking lot. boom.

...fast forward to post american thanksgiving dinner at the mansion - post rain in our face convertible smart car drive - post brown bag tallboys being consumed while walking back from esquimalt.  now we're over at @beingpatready's place having shots of JD.  at this point the saturday vibe is in full force.  the music is loud and decisions are being made hastily.  we agree to all wear @beingpatready's clothing & dawn matching drinking belt buckles.  these are good decisions. decisions to be proud of.  not like other decisions that end up being so shameful that no amount of showering can make you feel clean again....does anyone know a good therapist?

now i'm at the bard and banker and the waitress places a full pint of caesar on the coaster in front of me.  my eyes widen.  tall and handsome he stands.  dark skin. soft smile. one lime. the waitress gives me two pieces of beef jerky with the drink and instantaneously my heart goes thump-thump before realizing she only did it because she wants to impress @beingpatready. damn, love comes and goes so quickly.

the olives are nice, but they’re stabbed by a plastic toothpick which is soooo cactus club 5 years ago it makes me fucking sick.  maybe i'm at the carlton club after all?  oh no, this review is going downhill fast.  the three beans have been inserted into the caesar vertically and without a few big sips they are virtually impossible to grab.  this could be overlooked if the bard&b provided a hot towel or a lemon water bath for me to clean my fingers – but service isn’t what it used to be.  at this point my heart is pumping blood through my arteries at a faster pace.  anger is building from deep within me.  oh man, the lime...the sacred lime...it has a brown tinge to it - obviously cut yesterday by some lazy bar back.  how much did this caesar cost me? the same $9 fucking bucks i was saving to buy the new nickleback album with.  fuck. FUCK.

'can i get you another caesar?' she says. 'no thank you, pour me a pint of driftwood classic instead’ i respond.  ...maybe my enlarged and vulnerable heart isn’t ready for this business...

the highlights were very few  but they should still be noted.  the bouquet of the caesar was deep and spicy with a hint of chocolate - i really enjoyed the 8" blue straw – and once i dug out the beans, they were nice and crunchy without being stringy.  score: 64/99. don't order it.

the wait staff was lovely as usual.  please see my text poetry titled ‘falling in love with a service worker’ for more info on that.

xoxo